I recalled this hat when thinking about the gifting season and what makes a good gift:

Nov 30, 2025

On my first visit to New York City, with my Grandma when I was nine, I fell in love with the city. Her friends who lived in Manhattan, gave me a black cap with NEW YORK embroidered in white letters. (At the time, a place on a cap seemed meaningful, like you physically had to go there to get it. There was no internet shopping in 1994). The hat was proof I went and physically held the memory of the older gentelman who gave it to me — Marty? Meltzer? I can’t remember his name but there was Zabar’s schmears involved on that visit, too.

I recalled this hat when thinking about the gifting season and what makes a good gift…

My Grandma’s friend also gave me a white metal hat cage, so I could wash the hat in the laundry machine. Maintenance of the hat was a consideration, and the gift took care of that, too. (In my avant garde high school fashion years, I would try on the white cap shaped cage as it’s own deconstructed hat accessory, which seemed very Commes des Garcons).

Weirdly, I didn’t wear this beloved hat much, scared to stain or lose it. Funny how some things that are SO precious we don’t want to LIVE with them. That’s why I always say now, everyday is special, wear the hat, use the fancy bag to carry your groceries.

The hat demonstrates the tenets of what makes a good gift.

It shows how a regular object can be made more meaningful by the act of giving: a real New Yorker gave me a hat that said New York and it felt like saying “you’re one of us”.

He could have said this directly, he could have written me a note, a song even. But the simplicity of an object to convey something is why I love gifts. I guess I am writing to bring back the magic in gift-giving and take away the stress of feeling pressure to do it. How can we give meaningful gifts?

The hat was thoughtful, but it was also unnecessary, which is the key word of good gifts. We often fall into the trap of wanting gifts to be useful and thoughtful, but really, a meaningful gift can be silly or indulgent. I would have never thought to buy myself a cap at a souvenir shop, but once I had it, I loved it. I like to think of things people wouldn’t get for themselves, that I can give within my means. (Maybe my gift giving tenets will change once my books get optioned for Netflix).

Giving the cap, somehow carried the warmth of the gesture. This is hard to do with gift cards. Because there is no real object to represent the love exchange, it’s just a barcode. One trick might to be give something related to the gift card’s potential - say a mug with a starbucks gift card, or a small version of what they might choose more of with the gift card… Polar fleece breaks all the rules, as it is simultaneously useful and unnecessary. I wonder what the most ridiculous polar fleece objects are? That’s a good gift lead.

Giving is a gesture of love. The pressure and frenetic culture around it takes away from the ancient origins of the gift, wherein something gains value the more it is passed on, like an heirloom. How can what you’re giving take on the energy of love you wish to impart?

The worst gifts are things you “think” the person needs. I made this mistake one year giving my family Chinese Herbal supplements. Trying to turn them on to ginseng, and herbs I was loving. I ended up taking the un-opened ginseng the next year myself.

This can become the darkest motivation for gifts- giving someone something YOU WANT so you can later take it for yourself. You have to give yourself the gifts you need first, take care of your own needs, or, even better, ask for what you REALLY want.

This year, with inflation going crazy, I am leaning into conceptual gifts. An empty box with a piece of paper that says ’10 hours to be creative’). Who wouldn’t love that? Is it unnecessary? Would they buy it for themselves? I think it passes as a good gift. The pressure to give the ‘perfect gift’ seems overly-capitalistic. How can we imbue gifts with intention? The magic of sharing and connecting.